Mother's Night

Every second Tuesday of the month is Mom's night - a support group for mothers of kids with cancer. It can be good thing and a hard thing...

Today started a bit rocky. Work and family were throwing things at me from all angles. Isabella didn't get to school until 10 this morning. But the day settled down, the big kids are with their dad this week and I was looking forward to my Mom's night out. The group meets way south in Denver - it is a 45 minute drive for me but it is nice to talk with other moms about life. There are moms there with children at all the different stages - some in treatment, some who have lost children and some with kids that are in remission. That is the good part - I feel normal there - my worries are normal and my current distraction (for the lack of a better word) is normal.

There was a visitor tonight - a 25 year old cancer survivor joined the group. She had Leukemia when she was 5 and was in treatment for 3 years. When she was in treatment, her family was told that kids survive this - it will be ok. But they never saw any of those survivors. So when she started college she decided to give back by being the face of a survivor. I don't know if there are adequate words to express how wonderful it is to meet people like her. The few long term survivors that we have met - I cling to their stories. I remind myself whenever the doubts pop up that they are out there - we have met them. So it was really nice to hear from this gal. One question popped up - she was asked if there was any long term emotional side effects - we all know the health ones... Anyway she said that she didn't think she had any until she decided to start meeting with families. She said that she has been diagnosed with post traumatic stress syndrome. Now the hard part... she is in counselling and is doing fine - still out there helping families like us. But as I was driving home I was thinking about her. I haven't asked 'why my daughter' in a long time. Pretty early on in treatment I just moved into my do what you need to do phase. There were more times than I can count when I was angry that Sam had cancer, that she had to deal with the things she did, that she won't be able to wear heels - I know this one is silly but the point is she doesn't have the choice now. It was decided by cancer. There are days when the scars on her body are positive - they are like trophies to remind her how strong she is - but then there are days where they are just reminders that my daughter can't walk on her own yet - that she had to experience pain and the knowledge that she could die. No child should have to be afraid of those things. The hard part knowing that even after her body is healed and she is walking without her crutches she may still feel alone or different later on in life when she is trying to find her identity.

She doesn't even realize what is ahead of her yet - she is sleeping now - all snuggled up in her pink bed with her Ugly dolls. But I know.

Alright - enough of this mushy stuff. I try not to dwell too often, we will just do what we have to do. I am actually getting used the the fact that nothing is really easy or drama free anymore. It took long enough to sink in... :)

Good night to all - love to everyone!